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chapter one

understanding guys's Passages

realizing guys'S PASSAGESDISCOVERING the new MAP OF guys'S LIVESBy GAIL SHEEHYRANDOM condo, INC.

it's a guy thing

    It has traditionally been assumed that age is kinder to men than to women. My analysis over the past eight years has revealed a extraordinary reversal: many guys 40 and over are having a tougher time today making a lovely passage into the second half of their lives than are most girls. Why?

    girls feel pangs over dropping their adolescence.

    guys feel dread.

    "or not it's the dread of losing potency!" says my pal Fitzgerald. "or not it's imagining yourself as an actor onstage who has lost his voice."

    There are some inevitable changes as we tramp the journey of existence. men continually hit them as they'd a brick wall--and then may additionally fall apart. in the event that they knew what to predict in strengthen, it could support them to grasp these adjustments and make the most of them.

    The aspect of this booklet is to aid men and their companions to outwit the inevitable changes ahead. today, chiefly for guys under 50, the timing of marker pursuits--completing school, first grown-up job, marriage, parenthood, empty nest, retirement, golden years--has turned out to be unpredictable. What a man is supposed to do, and when, isn't clear. it's both interesting and disorienting, like crusing for a brand new world however wondering if you will drop off the fringe of the historical one first. The maps and charts are all out-of-date. Any man who feels a bit lost is hardly ever alone.

    the 1st step is to take note the passages that men move through after age 40, and then to find, inside the new map of guys's lives, how one can go back and forth these new passages for your self with improved awareness and a passport to renewal. Even on a subject as threatening as "male menopause," the news is respectable and getting improved. it's regularly becoming recognized as a mindbody syndrome that is completely general, common, treatable, and infrequently reversible. Pharmaceutical businesses are racing to present men perpetual virility--with the aid of popping a tablet. As instant and compelling as is the challenge most guys have with how their sexual efficiency might be suffering from getting older, there is plenty greater involved in restoring vitality and virility than placing extra lead returned in the pencil. mind-set matters as a minimum as a great deal as bodily alterations. The total gamut of reasons and the brilliant armamentarium for combating male menopause are spelled out later in the booklet.

    Why single out guys? it's not as radical a departure because it could appear; I even have been writing in regards to the predictable and unpredictable changes of adult life for each sexes because the ebook of Passages in 1976. however after twenty years of probing the psyche and decoding the influence of cultural shifts on each sexes, I confronted a humbling admission:

    guys don't take into account ladies, however at the least they realize it. ladies don't remember men, however they do not are aware of it. Does the following communicate sound in any respect widespread?

    "what's wrong?"

    "Nothing."

    "Why won't you seek advice from me?"

    "What about?"

    "About why you seem to be so down."

    "i'm just tired."

    "however you just sit round staring at tv. now and again, that you can get the most tired from doing nothing."

    "i'm now not doing nothing! There are issues I must consider about."

    "It appears such as you've come to a degree for your life where issues are changing for you. How does that make you think?"

    "it's simply some thing you ought to go through."

    "i would want to aid. might not you consult with me about it?"

    "what is there to claim?"

    "what is it you want out of lifestyles? simply make up your intellect and be straight with me."

    "I don't know what I desire."

    Most of us have had such conversations. i do know I actually have survived just a few of those making an attempt-to-help-however-handiest-making-it-worse dialogues. The presumption amongst ladies is that they understand what is wrong with their guys, and that they could repair it if only men would hear. but do many ladies truly recognize what it be like for a man these days?

    Milton Glaser, a legendary photo artist and a smart and cherished chum, made this statement of the cultural lag between the genders: "girls are constructing a new perception system; a brand new method of viewing life is coalescing. Most men do not know what's occurring to them. They would not have any theory what to agree with in. For lots of us, the values we grew up with have been subverted and adjusted. guys are astonished at this alternate; they have not formulated a response to it. it's a time when men are very, very uncertain."

    guys may additionally now not equate trade with boom. often talking, they associate change with loss, giving up, being overtaken, failing. It isn't considered as a good a part of inner growth and the highway to a brand new type of energy. peculiarly in the first half of their lives, men are rewarded for putting blinders on and pursuing their slender career path: lifestyles looks easy.

    "In my company existence, i am at all times telling company leaders how vital it is to step back, look at traits, see what the future could convey, and plan ahead for it," says a new York public members of the family man, "however in my very own and career existence, neglect it." He expresses a male view as historic as time: "I simply preserve moving ahead in a kind of dumb-beast means, seeing the next probability and throwing my spear at it, taking my lumps and hoping every thing will determine for me. whether as men we're hardwired to believe that means or it be the steady method of socialization, we simply don't love to alternate."

    You may additionally have been speeding alongside the route you put in your twenties when, abruptly, the highway turns bumpy. otherwise you hit a washed-out patch and can't circulation forward. Or the juice comfortably drains out of your batteries. How do you recharge yourself? alternate gears? Who do you turn to for support?

    It has turn into a cliche to assert that men don't like to ask questions. absolutely, here's not all the time proper. (My husband has stopped on the nearest gas station to ask for instructions at the least once.) however guys haven't been taught to ask questions about their sexual life cycle or their fitness or psychological well-being. They don't consider they have got the time or need for such consultations--unless disaster strikes. reports exhibit that guys make far fewer visits to doctors than women, and when they do go, they often don't ask any questions. under the silence and stoicism, however, most guys over forty feel that the taking part in field of lifestyles is radically diverse from the world of their fathers.

    An financial revolution comparable to the commercial Revolution is pitting mature men towards younger, laptop-savvy digerati. event may also now not count number for as tons in marketplaces concentrated on the now. no longer handiest are new talents demanded, for which a couple of generations--older baby boomers, the "Silent technology," the world war II technology--don't seem to be prepared, but a distinct angle is required. The rules of the video game between enterprise and worker have modified. You was able to count number on the company father--the farseeing, benevolent giver of rewards and reprimands. Now the enterprise is a digital father--amorphous, nonhierarchical--and you may on no account be clear where you stand.

    The floor of relations between guys and women has additionally passed through an earthquake of exchange. guys of the baby-growth and past generations have been socialized, as boys, to count on a evidently prescribed position in the benign patriarchy portrayed in general way of life through indicates reminiscent of Ozzie & Harriet and leave It to Beaver. As young adults they have been thrown off stability, ridiculed via the ladies's circulation, and later pushed aside via some tutorial activists as belonging to a continuum of "useless white men." In center life they locate themselves competing with a newly confident species of younger knowledgeable women. Add the power to stay youthful and display perpetual virility, and many of contemporary guys over 40 are in predicament. If a person keeps enjoying through the historical scoreboard and the historical timetable, he's prone to strike out.

    during this climate of uncertainty, hundreds of men have talked to me candidly about every kind of forbidden topics: their concerns about growing older, the ebbing of physical power and athletic prowess, their fears of dropping their jobs and their fathers, the that means crisis they face on the midpoint of their lives, their envy of empowered working wives, their want to be nearer to their toddlers before they lose them, their preretirement anxieties, and the entire question of potency in all areas of their lives.

    most likely you under no circumstances idea these questions would subject you. you will have under no circumstances concept about now not being younger. a familiar entertainer turned into greatly surprised the first time lie went during the supermarket line and he checkout lady looked throughout him. nonetheless handsome, though his jawline is now just a little softened, he is much less cocky and less confrontational; he appears to have calmed down and warmed up--characteristics that might possibly boost his powers of enchantment. Yet once we talked, he may focal point most effective on the terrible features of these changes: "You think separated from youth at the identical time you are feeling diminished in actual energy and stamina; you delivery being omitted through younger men; the intercourse is rarely as amazing as it turned into; an amazing desire to be young once again comes over you."

    when I ask men in the event that they ever speak over these questions with their male chums, they nearly always shake their heads: "No."

    Why no longer?

    "or not it's a guy thing."

    many of the time they do not even talk about these matters with their better halves, who are often preoccupied with their own midlife alterations. After a lecture in Pennsylvania, i was stopped with the aid of an energetic-searching woman with a ebook bag slung over her shoulder. I began lower back to faculty in my late thirties," she stated. "i could rejoice my forty-2nd birthday by using getting my diploma as a clinical social employee. My husband stored complaining, 'you're changing. Why? i'm the same man you married twenty years in the past.' Bingo! it's the purpose we're getting divorced."

    The husband probably thinks that final the same, and hiding his feelings and frustration, is being manly. He can also think stuck, even trapped, by means of his fiscal duties. He expects himself to be the identical company, the same aggressive competitor he always changed into, expecting his physique to take punishment and burn fats and appeal to ladies the manner it always did. but underneath the bravado he probably doesn't suppose the same thrill of the chase he did in his twenties. His entire identification is tied up with the repute he has completed up to now. If he lets go even a bit, what else is there?

    He cannot think about how to change. Why may still he?

    When girls in midlife go returned to school, delivery new careers, or depart stifling marriages, for the most half they're exhilarated. however their income and status is not as splendid as a person's, they derive improved delight--as a result of they began with so a lot much less. The men they depart in the back of are sometimes resentful, even jealous, having seemingly helped to finance a former spouse's emergence into the fame of "being my very own grownup" at the price of their own revamping.

    Linear reasoning is likely to steer a person to consider, "as soon as I achieve definite things, then i could be chuffed." nevertheless it isn't handiest titles and material accomplishments that depend. And when these external achievements fall to give which means and joyfulness on time table, men turn into frustrated. perplexed. indignant. And ashamed to admit it.

    This male malaise has no identify. it is a dark continent. Most men don't appreciate--or refuse to settle for--that they proceed to go through diverse stages all the way through their adult lives. And few guys I have studied are even aware that vital new passages nonetheless lie ahead--after forty. These crossroads demand a full stop and a pause to look inward. They existing a man with an opportunity to stretch and development, or to lock in and regress. it is indispensable to let go of a little handle all the way through these times of passage so that an ancient shell can be sloughed off and area made for a yeasty, multidimensional "new self" to develop.

    Transitional periods are always unsettling, for anybody. but a lack of awareness makes it extra probably that a man can also slide into melancholy and do all styles of self-harmful issues. more regularly than no longer, guys aren't even conscious of being depressed. They start slipping down the cliff, inch by using inch, while clutching frantically for anything else to cling on to or readily numbing themselves to what feels like an inevitable descent down the again side of existence.

    This book presents a brighter outlook, in keeping with analysis with state-of-the-art new guys. it is guys in core existence who have the most effective probability to turn into masters of their destiny--more desirable fanatics, more suitable fathers, more true to themselves and their own values, freer to categorical their emotions and recreation their creativity, extra influential, more collaborative, greater non secular. They want only advantage and a intellect open ample to receive it.

    however time is working out! no longer almost as fast as you consider. basically, the middle years are the stage of knowledge highest well-being within the lives of healthy proficient people nowadays. You do not accept as true with it? agree with some records:

ARE YOU organized FOR a further existence?

We reside throughout the finest miracle 'within the heritage of our species--the doubling of life expectancy considering that the economic Revolution. returned when the USA changed into centered, life expectancy at delivery stood at simplest about 35 years. by means of 1900, it reached 47 years. probably the most magnificent traits of the twentieth century has been to stretch the life cycle by means of a standard of thirty years--more than the entire won over 5 thousand years going lower back to the Bronze Age! another shock of good news on existence expectancy looked 'in September 1997 'within the big apple times:

In 1996 alone, American guys introduced six months to their lifeexpectancy and reached a brand new high.

    That turned into in line with an evaluation of U.S. a must have statistics through the centers for disease control. The standard male life span is now 73 years. it is additionally catching up with the female existence span (now a typical of seventy nine), as the number of AIDS deaths and the *incidence of coronary heart disease and melanoma decline. Between now and the year 2030, the percentage of people over age sixty five will very nearly double. And this may be real, even sooner, everywhere Europe.

    great, you may additionally say, but when a long life span potential spending years with my bulb dimming and my body falling apart, neglect it. all of us look to our fathers and moms as mirrors of our personal growing old. those are miscues in lots of techniques. When our folks became 50, we thought they had been ancient. They notion they had been old. considering 1950, unimagined advances had been made in medicine; and, more pertinent, public health training throughout the mass media has prompted profound changes in personal habits. americans in middle lifestyles today have a really diverse existence profile from that of their folks, who had been anticipated to show off their intellectual engines in their fifties. They did not dream of operating marathons or gulping down hormones to maintain them randy unless their eighties.

    individuals are maturing previous, bodily, but taking longer to develop up emotionally, and an awful lot, a great deal longer to grow historic. For the middle courses, youth is now prolonged except the conclusion of the twenties. Our First maturity handiest starts at about age 30. someplace around the midforties we enter an immense passage into what was a fairly staid, if now not stagnant, core age.

    Yet we seem to be greater reluctant to develop up than ever before. Of the a whole bunch of guys over 40 whom I actually have interviewed, most trust they are 5 to ten years younger than that imposter whose picture one way or the other slipped internal their passports. these days the midpoint of adulthood isn't any longer always forty--it's extra like 50.

Fifty is what forty was once.

    when you are a person now in his thirties, forties, or early fifties, that you can modify your lens on growing older. Beneficiaries of the boom in men's fitness, biotechnology, and mind research, you belong to a species remarkable on the planet, a species whose life span will automatically prolong into your eighties and nineties. This skill you have to prepare for the opportunity of an extra existence--past the common roles and obligations--since the years from 40 to 80 or 90 give you an entire new taking part in container: what I call your "2d maturity."

    In 2d adulthood you begin to gain knowledge of that fulfillment In lifestyles isn't in due to the without problems racking up facets on a single scoreboard. reasonably, there are a few distinct scoreboards--as son, mate, father, pal, colleague, mentor, group intelligent man, benefactor. The critical innings of 2d adulthood are neither played by the equal rules nor scored in the same way as a younger man's online game. but most men are so focused on profitable in the first half, they usually pass over the signals that can put together them with a profitable strategy for center and later life.

    Gary Markovitz, as an example, was an outstanding soldier. Having served in Vietnam and lower back to faculty to educate as a technocrat, he had defined himself for seventeen years totally inside the context of his company. "When individuals asked me what i am, i was an IBMer," he admits. "not Gary who labored at IBM, however an IBMer."

    via his midforties he began to wonder if his batteries were donning down, but it didn't turn up to him to wonder what else he might have fun with doing. He heard about his company's buyout offer while on a enterprise go back and forth to San Francisco. at the beginning he had no hobby in it. but on the plane experience home he discovered himself considering a chum's fresh funeral. the person had come up through the ranks at IBM with Gary and had abruptly handed away from melanoma.

    Gary found himself ticking off, finger through finger, simply how many individuals may well be counted on to display up for his personal funeral. He failed to get very far. What cost did he have outside IBM? He idea about his oldest son, who was already 25. before long, there would be a grandson sitting on his knee. blameless and adoring, the boy would ask him, "Grandpa, what did you do that meant some thing?"

    I made money.

    "It did not flow the grandfather examine," Gary determined. "I can be doing stronger issues."

however i'm not able!

a man in his late forties in a Minneapolis audience expressed a typical problem of men: "give it to me straight. Do I need to lose vigour as I get older?"

    On the contrary. The vigor of intellect, rooted in adventure, most effective increases as we meet the predictable crises and accidents of life and find our resilience. a whole new stage has opened up within the core of life: the "Age of Mastery," a bonus stage from a while forty five to sixty five. The passage from First to 2d adulthood and into the Age of Mastery really transforms the theory of vigor.

    child boomers want a e-book to their center existence. Theirs should be a manufacturer-new event, filled with surprises. 4 out of each ten American adults belong to the child-increase era, which, in accordance with my research with the united states. Census Bureau, need to be divided into two subgenerations. The innovative can be referred to as the "Vietnam era" (born 1946-1955). this is President Bin Clinton and British top Minister Tony Blair's generation, which they describe as being strong in ideals however detached to the historic ideologies. Boomers now of their early forties to early fifties came of age anticipating that everything would all the time get superior, and for most of them, it did. The spirit of the sixties formed their utopian recognition, and vestiges of that spirit are nevertheless with them, tempered by means of the cynicism of the instances.

    The more youthful half of the boomers--the "Me era"--came of age within the 1970s (born 1956-1965) and neglected tons of the idealism of the Vietnam era, but concentrated extra on own development. They dreamed of reaching the perfectly balanced lifestyles and therefore proceed to postpone taking up most of the tasks of full adulthood. however they're way more tolerant of egalitarian marriages, homosexual partnerships, single parenthood, and other social experiments. each halves of this dominant generation have at all times been tremendously individualistic and as a result irreconcilably divided. however on one challenge they seem to be in total agreement:

Boomers don't settle for core age.

    Boomer men do not see themselves as ageing. and they certainly don't count on any adjustments of their peak sexual performance--it may happen to other guys, however now not to me. Yet secret doubts lurk, and a single episode of slackened sexual ardor can raise the question: is that this the beginning of the dreaded falling off?

THE need to KNOWAND THE worry OF knowing

In lectures in response to my remaining book, New Passages, one query is always sure to come up: "Is there a male menopause?"

    there's a need to grasp and an equally weighty worry of figuring out. after I first grew to become aware of the phenomenon, the proof from men became peculiarly anecdotal. Six guys sitting around a midtown big apple bar after work--virile sales managers and a success retailers--all of whom appear to be backing up the hill from their midforties toward the wonderful divide at 50. they've a couple of drinks, and, inside my earshot, one brassy boyo challenges the relaxation: "inform the actuality. How repeatedly have you ever faked being asleep when your wife receives into mattress with a glow in her eyes)"

    each man laughs. Then a crevice falls open within the conversation. the man in the energy tie who posed the query reaches out for a lifeline: "I imply, would not that occur to you guys?"

    sure, Mr. Winkle doesn't like to drink," a further man says, chuckling. The relaxation chime in, inserting off the difficulty on overwork, stress, having a number of too many.

    but these occasional components don't do a lot to light up the secret of why so many men in center lifestyles progressively lose their vitality and virility. They see slightly older friends trade from being bullish, buoyant, and decisive into being down, depressed, listless, and lustless. They wonder: Will it ensue to me? Of path, being guys, they refuse to talk about it. At most, the area is couched in jokes and jibes.

An older man is strolling down the road when he hears a frogtalking. The frog says, "if you choose me up and kiss me, i'll turninto a beautiful lady."

the man picks up the frog and places It Into his pocket.

"are not you going to kiss me?" the frog complains. "i could become a gorgeous woman and you'll have me all you desire."

"i'd fairly have a speaking frog in my pocket."

what's going on? Are we speaking effortlessly about getting older? sure, but also about a bigger challenge to a man's view of himself--an identifiable phenomenon with actual, hormonal, psychological, and sociological accessories--it really is now trendily referred to as "male menopause." "We do not yet have a time period for this five- to 12-year duration of midlife in men, but we understand it is shared by each genders," acknowledges Dr. Eliot Sorel, president of the world association for Social Psychiatry and medical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at George Washington college college of medicine.

    It quickly grew to become apparent to me that if menopause is the silent passage, male menopause is the unmentionable passage. It is barely as primary as the ending of the fertile length of a woman's lifestyles, since it strikes on the core of what it's to be a man--the element a man has all the time counted on to bring him pleasure, the factor that has labored for him lots of of times, mindlessly, like a computer, through himself or with any variety of companions, the source of his fantasies, the sword of his dominance, the very root of his evolution as Homo sapiens--his youthful sexual force and efficiency.

    within the April 1993 concern of vanity fair, with Sharon Stone on the cowl stripped to the waist and cupping her naked breasts, my male editors allowed me to submit one of the crucial first full discussions of the subject: "The Unspeakable Passage: Is There a Male Menopause?" Ever in view that, men and ladies were talking privately to me about this difficulty with out a proper identify. Interviews with greater than a hundred men between the a while of 40 and 70 about this subject revealed that the majority had been shunted from the urologist to the psychiatrist to the surgeon and ended up absolutely confused. I even have also accompanied the work of some two dozen clinical consultants during this slender field who look at and treat guys over 40 suffering from some diploma of sexual dysfunction *in mid- to later life. whereas the broader scientific institution nevertheless with the aid of and massive ducks the area, the mass media also stay cautious of touching the subject, and i found out why.

THE EIGHT-HUNDRED-POUND GORILLA

sooner or later in the fall of 1996 I obtained a name from a dynamic younger producer on the critical CBS journal display 48 Hours. Chuck Stevenson had study my work on male menopause and interviewed some medical specialists, and he wanted to put together a bit about guys in core life in sexual crisis. Chuck become handiest forty one. a bit young to be pondering male menopause?

    "basically, i'm discovering the subject captivating," he referred to. As he saw it, "The precursor to men's midlife disaster is decreased sexual skill, which then triggers all these quite a few psychological feelings."

    i was delighted with Chuck's enlightened strategy. He and correspondent Erin Moriarty got here out to do the interview within the garden of my home in Berkeley, together with a 3-man construction crew.

    For the interview, Chuck wanted to the touch on "technical menopause--that small percentage of guys who definitely wouldn't have the testosterone."

    What I definitely desired to discuss was not the small percentage of guys who're already so incapacitated they could are seeking for surgical relief My challenge is the complete middle range of men who don't know what's general and who, when their sexual habits or efficiency alterations, develop into so embarrassed or ashamed that they pull far from any intimacy. On camera, I described essentially the most common scenario:

The longer this problem remains unspoken between a couple,the extra monstrous it grows, until there's an eight-hundred-poundgorilla in the bed room. nobody mentions it for sixmonths, two years, five years; in the meantime, the pair stopshugging, stops maintaining palms, stops touching altogether,moves to separate beds, to separate rooms, and ultimatelyseparate lives. They develop into estranged in all sorts of intimacybecause of this sexual shutdown.

When the shoot turned into over, I asked the producer how the piece could be titled and promoted. "this is going to be the hardest aspect for us," Chuck Stevenson admitted. "How do we make this segment circulation without scaring off men? We can not say 'midlife disaster' or 'alternate of life.'" subsequently, the section become titled "Undercover," which become inoffensive but meaningless. Nothing became left in in regards to the eight-hundred-pound gorilla. Chuck stated that the piece didn't work. The intent, he advised me with be apologetic about, became the large sensitivity of senior community executives to letting us focus on impotence.

    but it surely was the response of the tv production crew that proved the most exciting. broadly speaking, a camera crew tunes out whereas filming and simply focuses on doing its job. while we discussed the male menopause, these three men blanched and reddened, but they held on to every notice. After the capturing they caught around to talk.

    i wanted to listen to about it," one of the cameramen spoke of candidly, "but I do not want to talk about it."

    "It changed into hitting too close to domestic for me," admitted a different crew member. He become in his forties and dwelling through divorce hell. She become the one who left. "What in fact has to be mentioned is the fact that when a man has a midlife sexual disaster, people regularly say, 'or not it's all for your mind, snap out of it.'

    "but it surely's basically part of the natural direction of hobbies," one of the cameramen tried to reassure him.

    "that is correct," noted his colleague. "i can see now where you may get that rhinoceros for your bedroom, or whatever thing you referred to as it-"

    "An eight-hundred-pound gorilla."

    "Yeah, and blocks might form."

    "That made feel to me, too," talked about the cameraman, "as a result of when verbal exchange breaks down in a marriage, it's all long past." unexpectedly his colleague had an Aha! second--a type of little epiphanies that all of sudden throws a floodlight on what one's lifestyles is actually about.

    "it's what took place in our marriage! no person really talked about the gorilla. We simply grew more and more aside. I do not feel love it become my fault. i was doing my duty, doing what i was alleged to do. i was simply waiting it out. She got tired of ready, and it happened all of a sudden--the wedding fell aside."

    Doing one's responsibility and never talking concerning the inner give way of one's total theory of oneself is an all-too-common "manly" stance at midlife. This ebook is meant as a friendly guide out of such lifeless ends. No man may still squander his precious lifestyles "just waiting it out." And once he discovers the entertaining new map of guys's lives, laid out here in data in addition to many residing examples, he may still be lured to explore new continents of imagination and experience never earlier than dreamt of by past generations.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------- (C) 1998 G. Merritt organisation All rights reserved. ISBN: 0-679-45273-7 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

CONTENTS

creator'S observe.......................................................XI ACKNOWLEDGMENTS....................................................XIX part I: WHAT DO men desire? Chapter One it be a guy issue....................................three Are You prepared for yet another lifestyles?...........................8 but i'm no longer equipped!..........................................11 The should know and the worry of understanding....................13 The Eight-Hundred-Pound Gorilla.............................14 Chapter Two the new MAP OF adult life..........................17 The wife's Nightmare........................................20 What to Do with All This Leftover life?.....................22 part II: FLOURISHING FORTIES Chapter Three WHY DO I nonetheless suppose LIKE a child?..................27 The vanity crisis...........................................29 A Flagrant Freedom..........................................32 the father-Son Midlife energy battle.......................36 should you Comin' home, Son?..................................37 The useless Father.............................................38 The Midlife Delinquent......................................forty one Chapter four MANHOOD ON TRIAL..................................45 Yuppie playing capture-up.....................................46 Banker "Excessed" at domestic...................................forty seven the sole Breadwinner's Insecurities.........................47 The Idealist's Angst........................................forty seven a tough Time to Be a man in His Forties......................50 Confronting the "False Self"................................52 Are You What You Smoke?.....................................53 "The large unattainable"........................................fifty five The Reluctant Father........................................fifty eight First Fatality Jitters......................................60 moving Up the Mortality Markers.............................sixty three Honor amongst guys.............................................sixty four Manly sports: more than just a online game.........................66 latest Manhood models......................................69 Chapter 5 MARRIED AND MORTAL................................seventy eight The Aha! second.............................................78 The coronary heart of the matter.....................................eighty one The Stonewaller's protection...................................eighty five The quandary with wives......................................88 part III: FEARLESS FIFTIES Chapter Six PASSAGE TO YOUR second maturity...................95 The Samson complicated..........................................ninety seven Mature Masculinity.........................................one hundred Former professional soccer famous person...................................102 Geezer in Graduate college..................................103 Globe-trotting Journalist Turns Gardener...................103 The Fearless Professor.....................................106 beyond power...............................................108 Barry Diller's search for Self.............................112 Prospero's Passage.........................................116 Welcome to the Age of affect............................118 Chapter Seven REDIRECT YOUR existence earlier than THE HAMMER FALLS......121 The dark night of Joe O'Dell...............................122 damaging Defenses.......................................one hundred twenty five The Comeback of Joe O'Dell.................................127 they will not ever hearth Me......................................128 The Rebirth................................................131 The Window of probability..................................133 Midlife money Realities....................................135 What might Spook John Wayne?...............................136 surrender "i'm the huge Shot".................................137 constructing a team............................................139 Opening the spiritual Dimension............................141 discover Your ardour and Pursue It............................144 Chapter Eight LOVE AND war WITH better halves, FATHERS, children......146 From Competing to Connecting...............................147 Gender Crossover: comfort or crisis?.......................149 teaching the coach.........................................151 Withholding intercourse............................................155 The safeguard internet spouse........................................157 Making the Crossover Work..................................one hundred sixty mind-intercourse adjustments..........................................161 Mellowing Out..............................................162 Empty heart................................................163 Mr. mother....................................................164 Father starvation..............................................166 Letting Go of a starting to be Son................................167 what number of men chums are you able to count?........................169 The Nest Is Empty--Are You equipped for Love in the Morning?...................................................172 half IV: WHO'S terrified of MALE MENOPAUSE? Chapter nine THE MALE SEXUAL existence CYCLE.......................177 Magical Expectations.......................................178 The Male Sexual lifestyles Cycle.................................181 The Unspeakable Passage....................................185 guys Behaving Intelligently.................................189 mind over Manliness........................................191 Chapter Ten secrets OF PERPETUAL VIRILITY.....................193 Would You rather Have Steak and a Smoke Than Be a Sexual Athlete?............................................194 Magic Bullets..............................................196 When Sunday-Afternoon football Is more suitable Than sex..........198 Free Testosterone!.........................................200 DHEA: a person's master Hormone...............................202 Chemical Machismo..........................................202 Couples Work...............................................205 The Testimonial girl......................................209 Teaming as much as discover the appropriate medication.....................210 half V: INFLUENTIAL SIXTIES Chapter Eleven PASSAGE TO THE AGE OF INTEGRITY................215 secrets of neatly-being within the Sixties.......................216 Imagining the Paul McCartney Retirement home...............219 don't Retire! Redirect!....................................220 looking to your Postcareer career.........................222 His and Her Retirement Fantasies...........................224 Chapter Twelve development VERSUS DESPAIR........................227 The Black Tempest..........................................229 do not again Up, severe Tire hurt!.........................231 support is not challenging to Get....................................233 i'm not Having a coronary heart assault!............................236 Absorbing the Blows of fate................................239 part VI: WHAT maintains a person young? Chapter Thirteen UNCONVENTIONAL knowledge........................243 Do men must Die earlier than ladies?.....................245 Unretired Champions........................................248 growing and Regenerating mind.............................251 spiritual hunger...........................................253 Love within the Twilight of lifestyles...............................254 A Lusty winter.............................................255 APPENDICES APPENDIX A.....................................................259 coping with Job Loss.......................................259 concepts for Surviving Job Loss in middle existence...........260 supplies: profession Counselors...............................261 APPENDIX B.....................................................263 substances: Couples remedy.................................263 APPENDIX C.....................................................264 searching for a physician/Male fitness hospital...................264 supplies: Physicians and Therapists for Sexual health issues..............................................265 APPENDIX D.....................................................267 Preretirement Couples exercises............................267 APPENDIX E.....................................................268 Warning signals of depression................................268 BIBLIOGRAPHY.......................................................269 INDEX..............................................................275

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